Control vs Happiness ...

So, for some reason I have watched Ghosts of Girlfriends Past way more often than I should lately, part of that has to do with what is on demand right now and that I think that watching a movie that I've seen a million times would mean that maybe it would put me to sleep ... I like the movie for several reasons ... the characters remind me of people I've known or even still know ... of relationships that I've had ...

Anyway, there is a point in the movie where the main character, played by Matthew McConaughey, is given advice to basically not care in a relationship ... the advice is ... "the one that cares the least is the one with the most control" .... as cynical and downright awful as that sounds, there is a lot of truth in that statement ... to anyone that has ever been in a one-way relationship ... they know this ... we'll ignore for a minute that a relationship should not ever be one way ... but in the instance where a girl is head over heels in love with a guy and he is only mildly interested ... he does hold the power ... because she will, in most cases, go to great extents to seek approval, reassurance, love ... will be willing to change and compromise, possibly to a fault ... leaving him with all the control ... and yes, as sure as anything else in life, those roles can easily be reversed ... but when it comes down to it ... I think that it's true ... the person that is in "control" of a relationship like that is the person that cares the least ...

.... now we all know that those kinds of relationships are neither healthy nor very successful ... because eventually those issues will come to a head ... now ... back to the movie ... at the end of the movie ... after he's been visited by these ghosts ... and seen things from a new perspective ... he realizes that his fear of being
hurt ... fear of letting someone in ... fear of losing that control is what drives him to try to keep it ... and yes, in true movie form it's a very dramatic transformation ... however ... then while giving a toast for his brother's wedding he says that the advice he was given was wrong and that in order to find happiness you have to care ... basically to give is better than to receive ... there is a lot of truth in that as well ...

I've mentioned before and I will mention again that Robert Heinlan once defined love in this way; "Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own"  ... for me this is very true ... there is a lot more to love, but to be a piece of happiness to someone else, and have them be a piece of my happiness ... to feel their pain as if it were my own definitely plays into love from my personal perspective ... but I believe that it is true ... the more you care; the happier you can be ... it leads to the feelings of only needing love to survive and being able to say that you don't care if you're in a mansion in Beverly Hills or a cardboard box down by the river as long as that one person you care so much about is there with  you ... it surpasses material value .. surpasses most other cares and decisions in your life ... because that one person that you care about, that you love, basically becomes your life ... that is love ... now in that we must not lose ourselves ... but I do agree that the more you care ... the happier you can be ...

Solitude ...

There are times in my life when I realize, more than others, how important my alone time is, how important my solitude is ... and it's such a balance because I am a very social creature as well ... but I do my best at almost everything when I am totally, completely, and absolutely alone ... cleaning, writing, organizing, unpacking, the list goes on and on ...  there are obvious exceptions ... things that require more than one person to do could be named in multitude, but since all the examples I can think of at this exact moment would imply that my head is clearly in the gutter I won't name any of them ...

But ... for the last week, my kids and I have been sick ... they have been home from school all week .. and being nicely unemployed at the present moment ... and sick myself ... I have been home with them ... so 24/7 ... for going on five days ... of literally not one minute of solitude ... so ... this is what that means ... my house ... okay, okay my area of the house that I live in is totally trashed .... I haven't been blogging as much ... I have a list of
chores to do outside the house a mile long and none of them have been done ...

I find myself staying up later at night ... because it's just so quiet ... and peaceful ... and there are sick children sleeping all around me so I can't do anything productive .. you know like vacuum .. or even pick up toys and trash ... it's noisy business .... on top of just not having any time alone, I also have been sick myself adding to this growing problem ... I have my kids with me (meaning they won't be traveling to their dad's) for the next eight days ... so there is no break in sight, except maybe Monday they will be well enough to go to school ... but that's still three more days of 24 hours a day of basically no peace, no solitude, which makes me highly unproductive ...


Sure, I've been gaming .. leveling an alt in WoW, because it's something I can do in five minutes here, five minutes there, nobody will be mad if I disappear for an hour to deal with sick kids or to take care of the few chores I have taken care of ... but really, I am starting to resent the fact that I don't have any solitude, and maybe that should make me feel guilty, but it doesn't ... I need that peace ... again, like in previous posts about guilt ... I am looking forward to having an abundance of solitude to try to take care of the many things that I do best when I'm completely alone ...

Control ...

Control of my own life is something that I have struggled with for a very long time ... and the balance between being a "nice person" and being a "doormat" ... I think I more often fall into the doormat category than I would like to admit ...

Some of the problems in my marriage stemmed from control issues, disagreements and flat out fights about things that really just came down to control ... and things I wanted done, or he wanted done, that just didn't happen ... a feeling from both sides maybe, but from mine for sure, of things not being give and take so much as give and give ... and give ...

I won't pretend that my current relationship doesn't have some of those problems as well, that doormat thing comes with being a perpetual people pleaser ... in essence I don't stand up for myself ... but then in true feminine form I hold resentment, because you know men are supposed to read our minds, and know that we
really, really want to watch that chick flick movie, but we're feeling agreeable and so we'll watch the action flick instead and then secretly hold it against you that we made that decision because in our minds we didn't make it ... you did  ... yes, women are complicated ...

Anywho ... I'm getting off track ... back to "I want you to want to do the dishes" .... so despite control issues ... doormat issues in previous and current relationships ... for the most part I was in control of my own life ... of when I got up, went to bed, what I watched on TV or did on the computer (even if that meant I did it alone) ... of what I ate, when I ate, when I did my laundry, when I did well everything ... I am a mother of three children ... I had control over them ....

It seems now I feel I have lost part of my identity ... moving in with your parents (especially with children) as an adult is a very, very hard thing ... and my mother has been very sympathetic to the whole thing ... but, even though I didn't live under her roof for almost twelve years, she is used to being the parent ... I am used to being the parent ... I have three sick kids right now and I'm sick myself ... and any single parent, or even stay at home mom, knows that there is no break for mom when everyone in the house is sick ... and that doesn't really change, even though I'm living with mine ... I had to make a pot roast this morning ... feeling like crap, etc., ... because that's what was the expectation for what we as a household were having for dinner ... and it wasn't awful ... but if I had control over my own life ... with three sick kids, and being sick myself ... the last thing I would make is pot roast ... it would have been a soup night ... maybe a pbj night ... but it's one of the areas where I have lost some of my own control ... and if I hadn't done it, it's not like I would have faced hell or anything, but somebody else has expectations of me now ... parental expectations at that ... and that changes my identity ... my level of control .. and that is something I need to work on ...

Julie & Julia ...

I finally watched this movie a few weeks ago, although I'd wanted to see it since it was in the theaters. I found several things about this movie very intriguing.

It was very, very real ... it follows the true stories of two women ... pursuing their dreams ... their bumpy roads, their faults, their hardships ... and it was just very, very real ... with a happy, movie ending of course ...

What amazed me a lot was that these two women had these amazingly supportive, selfless, yet hard-working men in their lives, that helped them and encouraged them every step of the way. There's the saying, "behind

every successful man, there is a wise and encouraging woman" ... well in the case of these two women that could be reversed ... it's very touching to see those kinds of relationships both in cinema and reality ....

They also both had acquaintances, but then that one amazing friend, the one that supports you through anything and helps you through anything, regardless of distance, or the crap we put them through ... 

Also, I took away from that movie that just because I only have a few followers now on this little blog of mine, it may at some time grow into something much, much bigger ... everyone starts somewhere ... and has to climb up ... 


Popout

50 Things Women Wish Men Knew (my take on a Men's Health article) ...

Some of these are much more true for me than others ... but worth sharing nonetheless .... I actually originally posted this on 06/08/2009 ... so maybe this should count as an archived blog brought back ... but I'm going to add my own thoughts on these in [brackets] ... lol ... I actually think for a "Men's list" it's a pretty decent one ... I just like being able to throw my own twist on it ... one "actual" girl's opinion on this list ...

From Men's Health ... 50 Things She Wishes You Knew

50 Things She Wishes You Knew
Universal truths that all men should--but don't--understand

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count [it depends on how dirty the sex is ... ie, was it truly making love, period, or was it animalistic, if it was animalistic, then no, it doesn't count]

2. Real men drive stick shift. [absolutely ... or at least know how ... I prefer stick myself, so my man better at least know how to drive one]

3. I will leave if you lie [I'd say that's about 75% true in my circle of friends and confidants]

4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).[absolutely]

5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.[again, completely true, whether out of anxiousness, excitement or dread]

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear. [hello? what girl would disagree with that]

7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look. [depends on the tone of voice to go with "fine" ... but generally speaking true]

 8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you. [I would go with somewhere around 97% of the time, the other 3% is usually about women ;)]

9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her. [true]

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail or text from you. [This is absolutely true ... unless I read it and don't like what it says ... but seeing an email in my inbox, or getting a text message from my love, is an instant turn on, and an instant smile]

11. I expect you to call me. [again, hello? what girl doesn't]

12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants. [thank God, I have never even had experience with leather pants, well outside of chaps I wore when I barrel raced]

13. I'm scared of losing my independence. [yes, and no, in my case I am co-dependent and compromising to a fault, I will gladly give up my independence in exchange for a guy giving me the world, then again if he were giving me the world, that would include my independence]

14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be. [I'd say this is true of 75%+ of my circle of friends and confidants, and absolutely of me ... my problem is I still hold the resentment, even though I have forgiven]

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick. [I personally don't care about shoes, or really anything of monetary value, a surprise of doing something nice, an appearance when it's not expected, or a really caring & compassionate, sincere note/email/voicemail will usually do the truck ... oral sex is good in the make up part though ;) ]

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.) [Again, resentment, women hold on to things until we feel that you have apologized "enough" ... which could mean various things depending on what we're forgiving you for]

17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a.) ...having a fat day. b.) ...not feeling "connected" to you. c.) ...blackmailing you to get something I want. [meh, if I'm having a "fat day" I want you to have sex with me to help me remember I'm wanted, it I'm feeling "disconnected" I want you to make love to me ... in the true sense of making love, because the connection will come back ... and I don't believe in sex as a form of blackmail ... I have three reasons to say no .. a) I'm really, really sick ... b) it's that time of the month or I just had a baby ... c) I'm really mad at you, or really hurt by you or both ... I'm not a huge believer in makeup sex, to me that's like rewarding bad behavior lol]

18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not. [again don't care about shoes]

19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it. [I do own one ... I haven't listened to it in years though]

20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing. [lol]

21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.[true, true and true ... and does smaller versions of these things, in his own way, when money is an issue]

22. You look hot in hooded clothing items. [true]

23. You should never tell me what to do. [true ... including when I appear to be asking for advice ... unless the words "what do you think I should do?" come out of my mouth I'm not asking for you to tell me what to do and how to do it]

24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast. [true]

25. My breasts love much licking and sucking. [lol true]

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes. [90% of the time provided I'm not already taken]

27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice. [very, very true and on top of impressed, I would say valued]

28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.[true]

29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color. [lol true]

30. I want to be Madonna. [depends on which version of Madonna we're talking about]

31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers. [this is a very good piece of advice, that seems kind of out of place on this list]

32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand. [absolutely true ... anytime, anywhere]

33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby. [yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and yes]

34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now. [yes, often, tell me all the time, please]

35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving. [again don't care about things of monetary value, but pleasant surprises are amazing ... and make me want you all that much more]

36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this. [and refer up to 34 again ... tell me often]

37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking.... [absolutely true]

38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.[again, absolutely true, there are times when certain stories or pieces of history should be discussed, but those times should be few and far between and done in a very tactful manner, otherwise it leads to issues of comparison and possibly issues of inferiority]

39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself. [absolutely .. and feeling]

40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points. [true]

 

41. I love it when you're sweaty.[unfortunately, true]

42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.[true]

43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.[and a hug on the edge of "too long"]

44. I like porn.[true, although depends on the kind]

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.[lol depends on where and when ... I like hand holding and snuggling to some extent, but I'm not much of PDA girl]

46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.[true]

47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read... [Absolutely true, this should be much higher up on the list ... the second you're worried I would be mad/hurt for what you are doing or saying ... you have crossed a line]

48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat. [Absolutely true ... no exceptions]

49. I remember everything about our relationship. [Very, very true, and have been molded and shaped by those memories]

50. You should know all this and more without my telling you. [ =D

Brewfest is Here ...

The Stormwind City Fountain decorated for Brewfest

To those of you that are not gamers that read my blog for what it is 90% of the time let me give you my nerd warning here ... although you may find this funny ... and can make fun of the true nerdiness that is WoW ... within the game all sorts of holidays are celebrated ...

My mage on her Swift Brewfest Ram, at the entrance to Brewfest

My Mage on her Great Brewfest Kodo at Brewfest

Brewfest is upon us ... two weeks of drunken madness ... inside a game ... so for those of you that don't know about these things ... when you drink in the world of warcraft your screen gets blurry and can even kind of swirl ... making for an
almost sea-sick, hand-held experience for those behind the keyboard. Full of small achievements to earn the meta-achievement, brewmaster and the meta-achievement being part of a larger meta-achievement, what a long strange trip it's been,  that earns you the coveted reins of the violet proto-drake ... Brewfest is a very popular event in the game ...  also you have a chance every day of getting the swift brewfest ram and the great brewfest kodo ... plus several pets ... so even if, like me, one of your greatest joys in the game is getting companion pets and new mounts to ride, there's something good for everyone .... plus, for those of us that can't or don't partake in an actual
brewfest or Oktoberfest in real life ... it give us an opportunity to feel like we're part of the season!

My Priest on her Violet Proto-Drake flying above Crystalsong Forest ... wings flapping and all

Sleepless Exhaustion ...

I've always been a night owl ... never been a morning person ... I hate mornings ... I have been able to get up and be successful working at 6am or having class at 7 ... but it's not my first choice ...

Lately I've been having problems sleeping, but what drives me most crazy is that I could sleep until three in the afternoon if I let myself ... but I can't get to sleep at night ... at least not without "help" ...

I hate the idea of being dependent on a pill or even a stiff drink to get me to sleep at night ... and I don't understand exactly what is going on with my body right now. I've always struggled with issues of insomnia, but
this is something I've only dealt with a handful of times ... instead of just not being able to sleep period ... I just can't sleep when I should sleep, when I have the time to sleep ... but then I'm exhausted all day ... could fall asleep at the drop of a hat, but at night, I'm wide awake and full of energy, regardless of how much sleep I've gotten in the last several days ...

I don't want to rely on drugs to sleep, but I may need to for a few nights to maybe adjust my body to where it needs to be again ...

The Queen Bees ...

To most of us women, this is not a new concept ... in any situation where more than one woman exists ... there seems to be a battle for superiority ... the alpha female ... the queen bee ... even in the most wonderful of relationships, the most close-knit circle of friends ... there seems to always be some level of it ....

In some cases it's so small it can be ignored, in some cases women balance each other out ... one is superior at her career, while the other is supermom ... sometimes it falls so far off the radar you never notice ...

Then there is the middle ground, where you can still stand them, family, friends, whoever they may be, you can
still even  call them your friend ... but when they walk away you are left standing in a pool of inferiority or you're left there thinking that woman is fricking crazy ... what the hell was she thinking ...

Then there are those women that only other women like them can even stand ... the women who are better than every other woman on the planet (in their own minds) ... the ones that cut you off in traffic and cut in front of you in line at the supermarket (they're more important than you, you must know that) ... the ones who have kids that will always be brighter, happier, more athletic and more successful and involved than anyone else's kids, or sometimes their competition reverses itself ... their kids are the worst at everything, the most depressed, the most athletically challenged, the most unsuccessful ... but whether they're the best or the worst ... they are at the end  of the spectrum, never in the middle ... their husbands are the same way ... their marriage ... yep, the same way ... and don't even get them started on themselves ... these are the women I do not understand at all ... so highly competitive at everything they do ... impossible to hold a conversation with, because anything you say they have to one-up (or even one-down) ...

When you have to deal with these women, for work or a social club or activity or anything ... they can make you dread having to do your job or be social ... and if you ever have to have a "disagreement" with one of them ... well you might as well just be prepared for a nice long fight with what will appear to be a brick wall, because these women .... are never wrong ...

A Night Out ... Say What? ...

It has been ... well ... I think over a year since I have been out when it wasn't a birthday party or family event ... or some other more "obligatory" thing ... my life has been so incredibly crazy ...

Tonight I get to go have dinner with my best friend ... for no reason other than just to have dinner ... to talk, to
catch up ... no kids ... no boys ...

It's so weird to me that I am actually going to have this night, because it has just been too long ... it's relieving, I feel like I'm starting to get pieces of my "normal" life back ... hopefully a sign of things to come ...

Parenting Guilt ...

So this is mostly from the viewpoint of a single parent, but I know (from having been married for six years of my motherhood) that all parents occasionally have this feeling. I said in the last archived post that I brought back to life that "I miss my kids like crazy when they're gone, and they drive me crazy when they're here" ... that's not an uncommon sentiment in the single-parent world ... and it creates this little thing I like to call guilt ...

I had a friend and co-worker tell me once, right after my ex and I split, "I love my husband, but maybe we should get divorced just so every other weekend at least I'd get a break from my kids." ... I think she was
about half kidding. As a stay at home mom to two toddlers, one of them special needs, and a husband that worked sixty hours a week ... she did need a break ...

My kids go to their dad's this weekend, then they come back here for ten days ... and then they will be gone the entire month of October, sans two weekends. This is our parenting plan, our new custody arrangement put in place in a final (mutually agreed upon, with no fighting) decision that we came to before we handed it to the judge at the end of August ... every other month, every other weekend ... with a separate holiday schedule ...

So here's where's the guilt comes in ...

Is it wrong that there's a part of me that just can't wait until October? It's not that I don't love my kids or that I don't want them here ... but since I moved at the end of August, I feel like I have been going non-stop ... that I haven't had a break ... my weekends without them are full of plans that other people make for me ... and then they come back and it's back to getting up at six in the morning (and I am sooooo not a morning person) ... and dealing with homework and dinner, and, and, and ... I haven't had a chance to just breathe, to unpack really, to do the things I need to do for my personal, psychological & emotional health .... so I am looking forward to this time ... to get my shit together for lack of a better way to put it ... to do things on my own schedule ... to finally meet those couple friends for lunch that have been asking me to go ...

I know that once they've been gone a few days, I will miss them like crazy, them being gone for that long will probably, in the end, be depressing and saddening and it will be a very joyful thing when Halloween gets here, which happens to be one of my holidays this year, and I get them back one day early, for the month of November ... I don't think I will feel this way about December, but I might ... I think this break coming up may be the break I need and December will be much, much harder, but we will see ....

In the meantime I think I'm going to try to embrace this selfishness (which for a lifetime doormat does not come easily) ... and take this month as a gift ... and to try very hard to not feel guilty about it ...

Letting Go ... Archived From 08/04/2008 ...

I am carrying so much with me, so much that I let effect me, I'm just hoping that this will be cathartic, help me to let some of it go and move on . . . I have so much going on in my life right now, so much that is expected, so much that I'm obligated for . . . a lot of stress, both good and bad stress . . . and I need to get a handle on it because I've turned into an emotional basket case - crying at the drop of the hat, or one misplaced innocent action or word from family or friends, or anyone . . . some of this is probably normal, I'm getting divorced, with this comes various stages of grief and stress and whatever else . . . right now I feel like the first and last thing I need is a shoulder to cry on, someone just to hold me and tell me that everything will be alright . . . my finances are well, not even finances . . . my dad who lives 150 miles away is going way out of his way to put gas in my car and help with my rent . . . I miss my kids like crazy when they're gone and they drive me crazy when they're here . . . certain aspects of my job leave me feeling completely unappreciated and at my worst incapable . . . I'm dealing with lawyers and doctors . . .  and I'm trying to hold my shit together for everyone in my life . . . I try not to let anyone in on the emotions . . . because first off, this is nobody's burden but my own, but also I never know
the reaction I'm going to get from anyone; sympathy, anger, judgment . . . but no matter what I am countered with nobody has a full grasp of everything I am going through . . . I was asked last night if I still thought it was for the best . . . and yes, absolutely is it for the best . . . there are things that would never be ok, things my kids should never have had to deal with as long as they did, things that I need to let go of because there is no point in me carrying it with me anymore . . . and I'm working on that . . . and of course there are things I miss, as anyone would with anyone they've been with for eleven years . . . most of it is intangible, and actually completely replaceable . . . if someone ever comes along that is willing and I want to replace those things . . . stupid little things . . . a lot of it physical, because I am a touchy feely person, I have a huge desire and need for physical contact with people period not just lovers, or boyfriends, or family but everyone . . . a hug from my friends . . . my boss rubbing my back and playing with my hair . . . it's not sexual just physical . . . but yeah, I miss the stupid little things that helped to reassure me that I was/am beautiful - inside and out, loveable, worth the effort to be touched . . . and these are reassurances that I shouldn't and in all reality don't need, but they are missed and wanted and desired . . . and at some point there will be someone who will be that person to me without all the negativity that makes leaving those thigns all for the best . . . but as my quote said not very long ago, there's a reason that today is called the present, it is a gift, we cannot live in the past, nor predict the future and live to create it or nurture it, but rather live for today, appreciate what is here, try to ignore what isn't and go to sleep hoping that you wake up the next morning for the gift of tomorrow, but yes, worrying about tomorrow today will do nothing if you don't wake up the next morning . . . so why bother . . . .

The Irony Is ...

Those that make you the strongest,
that seem to care about you the most,
that lift you the highest,
and bring the largest smiles to your face,
...
are also the ones that can make you weak,
that burn the most when they don't care,
that make you crash the hardest,
and bring the largest tears.

My Kid Has A Cell Phone, So Shoot Me ...

Back around the time my ex and I stopped living together we decided to get my oldest a cell phone ... it started because she was at a cheerleading practice that ended early, and she tried to call us from the coach's phone, but she had transposed two of the numbers in my cell phone number ... she sat around waiting with the coach for 45 minutes ... now why exactly the coach didn't have the information sheets that we filled out at the beginning of the year, I don't know ... but she didn't ...

So, with that and then the fact that we (parents) both wanted to be able to talk to the kids easily when they were at each others' houses, we decided to get our oldest a cell phone. She has had one go through the washing machine, one she washed because she got paint on it and one was dropped in the toilet ... but .. I've dropped my phone in the toilet and had mine go through the washing machine ... I know plenty of adults that have done that as well ... and since she doesn't do her own laundry (yet) ... was that one really her fault? ... and really knowing the amount of adults I know that have done things with phones that are just crazy .. including throwing them into walls and shattering them when a conversation ended badly ... the fact that in three and a half years the only thing that she has done to a phone that is really more irresponsible than most adults I know have done is wash it because it had paint on it (clearly I never had the "you can't wash your phone" discussion) ... means that she has actually been pretty responsible ...

She texts, which her second grade teacher said actually improved her spelling (you have to know how to spell to use T9) ... and she can text or call when she's at her dad's or vice versa, leaving constant communication open between my kids and both parents.

I ordered her a new phone today, she still has the one that was dropped in the toilet, and it works, but it doesn't work right. The new phone was free ... I had to pay shipping and a small "upgrade" fee, which my ex will pay half of, so for about ten dollars she will have a brand new phone ... but with our custody agreement being every other month, I think it's important to have the communication be a sure thing, not an "if her phone decides to work today" thing ...

Once I have a steady paycheck again I fully plan on getting my second oldest a line of her own as well ... so yes, maybe when we were kids we didn't have cell phones, maybe my kids don't need them ... but they are a convenience that is offered in our society today and one that I think benefits our family and the kids' life of having two homes ...

I am, however, tired of the judgment, tired of the "your nine year-old has a cell phone?" ..."why yes, she does .. and she has had one since she was six, so shoot me ...."

The Mommy Schedule ...

Sometimes I wonder why we do it to ourselves .... but then we see the joy on their faces ...

This is one of "those" weeks ... I have one kid with practices from 2:30-3:50 and another with practices from 5:30-6:30 ... and then a performance to go to late Thursday night ... luckily my kids don't have school on Friday ...

My oldest is currently in track, newspaper & art club ... she thought about student council and decided it would be too much. It is all easy for her (& me) to keep up with until something comes along like a weekend ... like this last one ... where she has a slumber party and a family function and didn't have the weekend to work on her stuff ...

I've had worse weeks than I am having now ... last spring, I had one in softball ... two in soccer ... plus my man was coaching a soccer team ... that was crazy ...

I think in some ways this is a product of the mommy wars ... that our kids have to be involved in multiple extracurricular activities, a "keeping up with the Jones'" attitude ... I know so many moms that have their kids in swimming, soccer, dance, piano, and, and, and ... for a while I tried to do that, but with three kids, financially it became near impossible, and then the schedule was crazy too ... way too much stress .. and gas ... and  I'm sorry, but I couldn't keep up ... I couldn't even come close ...

So, my kids get to pick and choose activities ... free ones (such as newspaper) are of course almost always allowed ... but the ones we have to pay for or that greatly interfere with our schedules have to be discussed and we have to determine whether or not the stress is worth it to everyone involved ... I want to give my kids the world ... but there is a sense of practicality that has to be at least acknowledged ...

Embrace the Curse ... Archived From 12/07/2008 ...

So lately, I've spent a lot of time being down and depressed and feeling sorry for myself . . . but many of you know, that in general that is the opposite of who I am . . . I am forever optimistic, eternally smiling and infinitely happy usually in almost any circumstance . . . I've allowed too much to influence things in my life . . . too many people, too much judgment, hypocrisy, and pessimism have affected my natural abilities to be optimistic . . . to see the silver lining . . . to see the open window when the door was slammed in my face . . . I usually cry more happy tears than sad ones . . . that hasn't been true lately . . .  but it needs to be . . . so here I sit in my messy apartment that I've been procrastinating cleaning . . . talking to a couple friends on the computer . . . listening to my child who is on the verge of pneumonia cough behind the mask of her nebulizer . . . wondering how I'm going to pay the electric bill . . . feeling lonelier than I have in a while . . . and yet I'm happy . . . I'm not happy because anything great and wonderful has happened . . . I got a piece of myself back yesterday that I thought was gone . . . let's say I did that through an act of creative expression, for lack of a better way to say it . . . I'm happier than I have been in a while . . . more confident . . . more sure of myself and my decisions and my ability to make decisions . . . there are things in life I can't control . . . no matter what choices I make I will make people mad, people will judge me . . . they'll judge me on my parenting, my ability to make good relationship choices (both friendship and romantic) . . . it is unfortunately human nature to judge . . . but here's the thing . . . until you have lived my life . . . walked in my shoes . . .experienced my experiences . . . you have no right . . . people think they know things . . . they think their opinions, their decisions are the ones that others should follow . . . they are wrong . . . we all live our own lives . . .follow our own paths . . . make our own decisions for the reasons we do . . . we create our own karma . . . our own fate whether designed by destiny, ourselves or God, or the combination there of will be what it is . . . and my fate will be what it is . . . life is a rollercoaster . . . there are ups and downs . . . the trick is to be able to look down from the top of the biggest drop and know that you will reach the bottom alive and although the climb up will be slow you WILL come up . . . embrace your circumstances, regardless of what they are . . . change what needs to be changed when you can, but do it for yourself, not for anyone else . . . something that makes no sense to anyone else can be exactly what you need, exactly what you want, your source of unbelievable happiness . . . embrace yourself . . . whether you like yourself or not . . . no matter the mistakes you've made . . . the choices you regret . . . just try to be happy in your circumstances no matter what they are . . . 

It's me against the world today
And that's fine
It's me against the world

And so I stand
I embrace the curse
I embrace the song
I embrace what I feel
When I feel what's wrong
I embrace the hurt
The hate and what's worse
I embrace what I am
I embrace the curse

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I Love ...

... days like today when everything seems to go right ... I had job prospects show up by both email and phone ... I had two checks I had been waiting for show up in the mail ... and I found out some good news about some government red tape I had been dealing with ... maybe sometimes we go through a slump of bad stuff so that we can appreciate days like today more ... just sayin' ...

Gaming "Addictions" and Stereotypes ...

I don't think it's possible to have a blog with the title mine has without eventually writing at least one blog on this little subject ... I will focus primarily on the stigmas of PC Games, World of Warcraft in particular ... but I am highly aware that those that play console games, especially games like Halo and Call of Duty are met with the same stigmas ...

Just an fyi ... the pictures I have chosen to use in this post are meant as examples of the kind of demeaning and unfair stereotypes that are made of those in the gaming world.

This is something that can, on occasion infuriate me, the stigma, the labels, the stereotypes of not only those that play games but World of Warcraft in particular. I had a fellow gamer once say;

"I think a lot of people believe that playing isn't an acceptable form of leisure, second rate if you will, and think you should become more 'normal' by doing things that are more socially acceptable. There are those who think you're only playing WoW because you're too much of a 'loser' to do the 'normal' things. Until society views playing video games as a socially acceptable activity, I'm afraid that there will always be a stigma to being a gamer."

She is completely right ... that is the stigma that comes with playing PC games, if not console games as well, that those of us that play the game must be social rejects ... losers if you will ... incapable of a normal social life ... so we hide behind a keyboard ... hide behind a controller ... that we are not productive members of society ... from South Park episodes to a number of demeaning comics and "demotivational" posters ... not to mention the group of activists that want us and our kids off the computer and out from in front of the TV ... period ... 

As much "research" has been done to show that these games are "bad" for us ... well guess what folks ... there is research that has been done ... news reports that these games are good for us ... 

So, as to us being "losers" ... anybody who says that clearly has never actually played any MMORPG, but especially not WoW ... it is by far the most social hobby I have ever had ... and yes I said hobby ... we'll get into that later ... 

Gameplay revolves around social activities, such as groups of players cooperating on a quest or forming large "raid" groups to tackle the toughest game bosses. - FoxNews

... I have met more people that I would call friends playing WoW in the last two years, than I have met in my real life of mommy groups, jobs and school in the last ten years ... I won't say it surpasses the amount of friends that I made in high school ... but I was (well still am) a social butterfly ... anyway, in the last two years I have made amazing friends ... so you say "yes, from behind a keyboard" ... guess what? ... that's bullshit ... first off, if you're reading my blog, my guess is that you do a lot of communicating (whether in, out or both) ... from where? ... from behind a keyboard ... second, when my kids had H1N1, when my daughter broke her arm, when my other daughter impaled the roof of her mouth ... guess who all the notes of concern were from in my email, on my facebook ... guess who texted me and asked me if they were okay and if there was anything they could do ... none of my "real life" friends ... but those notes came by the dozen from these so-called "fake" friends I have ... and finally ... I have met people I play WoW with in real life, even went and picked up moving boxes from one when I was moving  ... on top of that ... it has been a place where other "real life" friends I have can do something social with me ... my boyfriend's best friend was stationed in Germany ... they couldn't meet for a beer, but they could play WoW together ... plus, it is  a social life, a social activity that costs almost no money, less than going to a movie every month, that allows me to have a social life without finding a babysitter for my kids and around the schedule that I need to keep in my real life ... I'm not dragging my kids off every evening so I can drop them off in a fitness center's daycare while I work on my exercise and body image "addiction" ... I'm not dragging them off to watch me play some kind of recreational sport, with a rec league ... they have a stable normal life, of homework after school, bed, and then I get on and raid ... giving me "mommy" time, without disrupting their lives ... also, anyone that really knows me, knows I have an active social life, one that has been slightly diminished by my recent financial situation ... which has nothing to do with WoW ...

To be successful in the game requires a certain level of intelligence ... one that educators and after-school programs are actually using to help encourage kids to learn in other aspects of their lives ... 

Constance Steinkuehler, an educational researcher who organized an afterschool group for boys to play, for educational purposes, the massively multiplayer online role-playing game.

Some of the eighth graders and high school freshmen who signed up for the group couldn't have cared less about writing or reading in school.

Yet those students have gone from barely stringing together two sentences to writing lengthy posts in their group's Web site forum, where they discuss detailed strategies for gearing up their virtual characters and figuring out tough quests.

"It has worked ridiculously well," Steinkuehler said. "It shouldn't be working as well as it is." - FoxNews

I think what many people don't understand about WoW is it is an amazingly complex game with it's own economy, social structure, etc., it is much like real life ... you have to choose a job and do work to earn gold in order to buy things you want ... and if you choose to be lazy and not train your skills or not farm the materials to craft the things you can craft ... or not do your dailies (quests you can do every day to increase your reputation and earn gold) ... if you choose to not do those things ... then you don't reap the benefit of the things you can buy ... but that doesn't sound anything like real life does it? ... of course it does ... in real life if you work hard for what you want you can, within reason, achieve it ... the game teaches both children and adults alike that perseverance and tenacity can help you achieve your goals. 

 ... unschooling mom, Kelli Traaseth, saw kids improve their literacy through online games such as "WoW." The results are strikingly similar to what Steinkuehler has witnessed in her afterschool group.

"We know several kids who learned to read while playing these games," Traaseth said. "If you want to classify some of the things we're doing when we play 'World of Warcraft,' the list could include math, reading, sociology, economics, creative writing and communications."  - FoxNews

 

My boyfriend is the Guild Master of a guild with over 300 toons, and 175 accounts ... that means 175+ real people, different, individual people that he has to keep working like clockwork, has to deal with complaints, schedules, holding people accountable ... if you think that doing that is really any different than running a company with 175 employees, you'd be wrong ... yes people are free to leave whenever they want, then again if you run a business, they're free to put in their two weeks notice or just walk off the job as well ...  keeping a large guild organized is much like running a company ... with a hierarchy of officers (managers from upper to low-level) ... to keep things running from the ground up ... younger officers especially have an amazing opportunity to learn about how to handle things in real life situations that come up later in their lives ...

Now let's get into this "addiction" thing ... okay people ... there is a difference between being a hobbyist and being an addict ... there are people that play games that are truly addicted to them ... they may need help ... they may need to quit playing altogether ... but the vast majority of people that play video games, whether World of War"crack" or Halo or Call of Duty or Guild wars .... are not addicts ... they are hobbyists ...

So what constitutes game addiction? It appears to be defined by various laundry lists of symptoms. When reading any number of articles on gaming addiction, responsible or clinical analysis are intermixed with some downright bizarre claims about this so-called addiction. In fact, these kinds of irresponsible statements are everywhere. According to a number of prominent articles on the subject, these symptoms may include:

Thinking about what is happening in-game when not logged in.
Dreaming about the game.
Playing up to several hours a day (or, conversely)
Playing 140 hours a month.
Seeking PvP advancement.
Belonging to raiding guilds or guilds with a bigger emphasis on goal-oriented play.

Time away from the game is spent doing things related to the game. This, apparently, is also discussed as being indicative of addiction. These things might include:

The purchasing of game books
Submitting fan art
Writing fan fiction
Talking about the game when not playing
Thinking about the game when not playing
Visiting web sites about the game
Posting on game-related forums
Researching tips and strategies for the game
Reading articles, like this one, about MMO gaming (guess you’re an addict, eh?)
Writing an article about gaming (I’ll be checking into rehab as soon as this gets posted, k?) - WanderingGoblin

"Geek. Nerd. Dork. Doesn't matter what you call it, all it says to me is  'I'm jealous that you're smarter than I am.' and I've learned the fun fact that you can't have dignity while having fun." - Friend and Fellow Gamer Josh

 I will say, from a personal point of view that 140 hours a month seems somewhat excessive although ... that's 5 hours a day ... and really of the 16 hours that we're awake every day in a normal healthy life, that's not extremely obsessive. I mean, how much time a day does the average American spend watching TV or reading a book or countless other things ... I know plenty of people that turn on the TV at 5:30 when they get home from work, and then don't turn it off until 10:30 after the 10:00 news ... that's 5 hours of TV ... is that really better than playing a game that involves using intellectual and social skills? I think that "vegging out" in front of the TV has it's own set of issues ... that all being said I think I honestly play around 12-15 hours a week ... which is 52-65 hours a month ... on a "bad" week ... when we're really trying to achieve a goal or I am obsessed with getting to level 80 or other things, maybe my kids are with their dad, so I take advantage of some extra play time, I might play as much as 40 hours in one week, but those weeks are very, very rare ... and still don't interfere with my real life ... I still eat meals, and get out of the house to do things I need to do, I shower and take care of myself ... but I could see that someone without a job, and without kids could hit that 140 hour mark and not be an addict ... people have to understand that just because one person that does something has a problem does not mean that all are ... I mean all of you that go to the gym every day ... are you all anorexic? ... I mean by the definitions set above pretty much everyone I know is addicted to something ....

I have friends that are really into golf. While I’m not a golfer myself, their devotion to their hobby is obvious. They buy golfing outfits, they read golf magazines, they watch golf on television. They even visit golf websites. They talk about golf with their friends. If the so-called addiction standards, above, were applied to my golf buddies, they’d be declared golf addicts.

Come to think of it, if those standards were applied to any hobbyist, they’d all be declared addicts. Maybe I should have an intervention with my friend Julee. She’s quite the fishing addict. I know a couple of boating and motorcycle addicts, too. I’ve got friends who are addicted to books. That reading addiction needs to be overcome! And nearly everyone I know is, apparently, addicted to television. - WanderingGoblin

.... I agree completely ... I mean really people ... what is with this stigma we have ... that we're losers ... and addicts ... this game is a hobby to almost everyone I know that plays it ... I know a few where it has become an obsession, a few that may need help, but even they don't come close to the stereotypes that many activist groups are putting out there ... and to be completely honest I know plenty of people that would consider WoW their anti-drug ... their way of escaping their own reality ... there is a 15 year-old girl that we play with on occasion ... she has an alcoholic mother who has had a slew of abusive boyfriends ... she herself was arrested for "assaulting" her sister after her sister stole money and her iPod from her ... and I'm not saying that she was right or anything, but the thing is, this girl obviously has a life that she needs to escape from ... and to be able to escape to the land of Azeroth (the name of the "world" in World of Warcraft) ... has actually saved her from serious depression, cutting and suicide ... by her own words ... she has been suicidal more than once and logged into the game searching for someone that cares about her ... and low and behold these "fake" friends .... are the ones that are there for her ... 
 




I know that no matter what I say here, people will hold their own stigmas ... their own stereotypes ... and that's fine ... I say live and let live ... I will do my hobby ... you can do yours ... 

 Games are the way of the future and it's not likely you'd be able to completely shield your child from them even if you wanted to. However, it's important to learn as much as you can about the games and their content before allowing your child to play. - Lisa Mason

Black Sheep ...

I went to a family function today ... something I generally dread ... I practically pray that one of my kids will get sick, that I will have some excuse to not go ...

It's hard to explain to any outsider the feelings that I have ... over the years there have been so many sarcastic, backhanded compliments, so much favoritism among the grandchildren, so much judgment and disapproval ...

Today I basically was sat at the kiddie table (place card and all) ... now mind you I was one of two adults at what was more the kid "end of the table" ... a table that was set up at the end of the actual dining room table and three of the five children sitting there were mine ... so I'm probably being hypersensitive ... and if it wasn't for the history it may not mean anything to me ... but there is that ... there's history ...

There's a lot of history ... there's periods of time where I didn't speak to various members of my family and vice versa ... always on the outside looking in ... never good enough ... never met with a sense of approval ... they could always find the one negative in anything ... 

Just several weeks ago there was another family event, and all my stepbrothers and stepsisters were there (well, maybe not all, I wouldn't know) ... my father who married my stepmother just over a year ago, nor anyone else introduced me to anyone ... there were people there that are supposed to be part of my "new" family and nobody bothered to even make an introduction ... there have been a lot of times I have felt like an outcast in my father's family, but that one probably was close to the top of the list, if not actually at it ... maybe that was my fault, maybe I should have introduced myself ... maybe I should have said something like, "are you going to do introductions" ... but I didn't ... then again ... neither did any of them ...

It might have something to do with the fact that my stepmother doesn't even speak to me anymore ... the whole thing is so weird to me ... I liked her, a lot, when my dad told me he was getting married I was genuinely happy and excited for him ... they were very lovey dovey, I had never seen him behave that way with any woman ever, not my mom, not the two multiple year relationships that he had after her ... not even the short ones in between ... they both seemed to genuinely love and care for each other. Oddly enough right after they were officially married, she seemed to change, and it wasn't just me that saw it, there were others as well ... she became much more naggy, and she seemed to want me as far from his life as possible. Then there was the whole house fiasco which you can read about in previous blogs, that pretty much everyone I know that knows my father as well, thinks she had much more of a hand in than he did. The couple I saw that I was happy for and the one that exists now are very different ... when my father came down on me for some things during the house issue I did say some negative things about her, in truth I think she is using him ... pointing that out to him was not taken well, needless to say ...

Anyway, back to today ... it wasn't that bad ... but still I am not in the "in crowd" ... not part of the inner circle ... a lesser person by whatever definition they use ... I'll just use the words black sheep ...

My Tribute to September 11 ...

 As far as I know, nobody has taken credit for these words yet, I remember hearing it on the radio shortly after September 11, 2001 ... my apologies to those of you that don't share the Christian faith, or have a strong spirituality, but these words touched me deeply at the time, and continue to touch me on this anniversary of a horrific event on American soil.


You say you'll never forget where you were when you
heard the news on September 11, 2001. Neither will I.

I was on the 110th floor, in a smoke filled room with a
man who called his wife to say goodbye. I held his fingers
steady as he dialed. I gave him the peace to say,
"Honey… I'm not going to make it, but it's okay. I'm ready to go."
I was with his wife when he called as she fed breakfast to their
children. I held her up as she tried to understand his words,
and as she realized he wasn’t coming home that night.

I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor, when a woman cried out to Me
for help, "I've been knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years."
I said, "of course I will show you the way home--only believe in ME now."

I was at the base of the building when the priest ministered to the injured
and devastated souls. I took him home to tend his flock in heaven.
He heard My voice and answered.

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I was on all four of those planes. In every seat, 
with every prayer.
I was with the crew as they were over taken. 
I was in the very
hearts of the believers there, comforting and assuring them that their faith had saved them.

I was in Texas… Kansas… London.

 


I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news.
Did you sense Me? I want you to know that I saw every face.
I knew every name, though not all know Me.

Some met me for the first time on the 86th floor. Some sought Me
with their last breath. Some couldn’t hear Me calling to them through
the smoke and flames. "Come to Me; this way; take My hand."
Some chose for the final time to ignore Me…BUT I was there.

I did not place you in the building that day. You may not know why,
but I do. However if you were there in that explosive moment in
time, would you have reached for Me?

September 11, 2001 was not the end of the journey for you. But
someday your journey will end and I'll be there for you as well.
Seek Me *now* while I may be found. Then at any moment, you
know you're ready to go. I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.

Remember.... I LOVE YOU.

The Thing About Being Single ... Archived from 01/17/2009 ...

Here's the thing about being single . . . in a lot of ways it's fine . . . beyond survivable.  I think I've realized there were things I took for granted in past relationships (although I wouldn't go back into them) . . . but I definitely took for granted both being told and shown that I'm beautiful and desirable on a near constant basis . . . and although a lot of self image comes from within, and although I'm not comfortable with where my body is at this point, I am comfortable in my own skin, there is something very reassuring about knowing that someone else thinks you're attractive . . . something very reassuring about being wanted & desired . . . about having someone around that can't keep they're hands off of you . . . in public, in private, etc., . . . so that's really what I took for granted . . . and mostly because for the past 17 or so years I've had that in my life on a near constant basis . . . but really when it comes down to it that's not the thing that really sucks about being single. It's not the lonliness, I'm an only child, I LOVE my alone time, I thrive on solitude, it's when I'm the most productive, the most mentally healthy, the most happy really, when I have the solitude to do my projects the way I want to do them, to be alone with my thoughts, plus I never have to be alone . . .  I have friends, a lot of friends, I could spend my time with someone else either in person, or on the phone, or the computer . . . the loneliness doesn't bug me . . . although I hate the feeling of being alone even surrounded by people because nobody seems to empathize with where you are . . .  but what I really have a hard time with about being single is completely unmaterial and intangible . . . it's the safety and security of knowing that when I come home from work or wherever, or even if I never left home, knowing that someone will be there to give me a hug when I need it, to hold me when I'm sad, it's having someone to kiss goodnight, good morning and goodbye . . .the things that come naturally in relationships, the things when you're in them you never think about, because it's just part of being in a relationship . . . it's being able to say "I need a hug" and knowing that someone will be there to do it . . . .it's the security of knowing that someone is there . . . someone who puts you at the high end of their priority list if not the highest point on it . . . it really comes down to security, the feeling of home, the feeling that you're safe, that nothing can take it away . . . maybe it will take me a long time to feel that way again because I know that no matter what something can always take it away, but I think if the person came along that wanted me to feel that way, I would . . . so that's my thinking outloud for the day . . . thanks for listening :)

Little Writers ...

My 9 and 7 year-old daughters have decided that they want to write blogs, part of it is they like the idea of having their own "webpage" ... but I think they both have very creative thoughts in their heads and getting it down on "paper" may be just the thing they need  ...

Plus, they can work on their writing skills along with their computer skills. I told them they could write anything, they could keep it as a journal, they could write fiction, poetry ... it is completely up to them. I am going to be amazed to watch how their writing grows and develops out of this.

Some are concerned that they are too young for this kind of Internet exposure, but I assure you they will be kept very, very safe!

Privacy ...

In any relationship I think that trust barriers can be crossed that take away a person's "right to privacy" ... some relationships are very open from the beginning though as well ...

I can see this applying in various kinds of relationship parent/child ... roommate maybe ... our significant others ... there are many situations where I feel that someone loses their right to privacy, where computers, email, the hiding spots in the house or bedroom are no longer off limits ... especially if any of those things were used in the process of losing someone's trust.

When it comes to parenting ... I think until my kids are older, I will continue to have passwords to their email, gaming and social network accounts. I don't check them, or have any need to, but if something ever happens, I can ... as they get older, I think that their privacy should be allowed to be protected to some degree. If they want to email their friends about what an evil mom I am or who they have crushes on, they should be able to do that without fear that I will just pull up their email that day and read it ... however ... if they start in with behavior or are actually caught doing something completely inappropriate, then I think those privacy barriers come down ... at that point I get full access to everything ...

When it comes to significant others ... I see a few different trains of thought on this ... I always had access to everything of my husband's ... email, myspace, gaming accounts, phone records ... everything ... most of that just came down to the fact that I set nearly everything up, I paid the phone bill, etc., ... but he was an open book to me ... he didn't always have access to everything of mine, not because I was trying to hide anything, but just because he never asked, he didn't do much on the computer, etc., so he just didn't have a need to, in his mind ... so although (up until the end) I wouldn't have had an issue with being an open book with him, I never completely was.

I know couples that keep everything very separate and personal ... everything is private ... closed book persay ... and I know couples where everything is open ... nothing is private ... they have full access to everything. In my current relationship we both are completely open books ... we have passwords to each others' accounts for everything ...

I guess I personally think that we're all entitled to some privacy .. kind of like the example above with children .. if I want to email a friend and talk about how something my boyfriend did bothered me , I should probably be able to do that .... and vice versa ... I think that individual couples figure out what levels of privacy work for them ...

Now, I do believe that once trust has been broken in a relationship ... if somebody cheats (physically or emotionally) ... especially if communication with the other party existed through email, social networking sites, or phones where records can be looked at ... I think then privacy is given up ... I think that is one of the prices that somebody pays for lying and betrayal ...and if they have nothing to hide ... then they shouldn't care about providing the access or even knowing that things will be accessed ... I think that once you've given a person reason not to trust you ... if you ever expect trust to be rebuilt ... that you must open yourself up ... must open all the pages in your book ... basically you need to be transparent ....

In most cases, this angers people, but really ... if you are a liar or a cheater and you expect somebody to stay with you and try to move on with you after you have done things that most would not stick around for ... you should be grateful that you're there, regardless of the conditions or circumstances around that. So, you might have to deal with your phone records being looked at, your phone being looked at, your email or your Facebook being looked at ... but I can pretty much guarantee you that if the person doing the looking is a "normal" person ... the longer it goes without actually finding anything ... the less frequently they'll check ... until basically they don't even think about it anymore ... and in actuality you will have built trust back, by opening yourself up and proving that you really don't have anything to hide ...

I know there are people that think that both a child's and significant others privacy should remain private no matter what ... I personally believe that once someone has given someone a reason not to trust .. that the rules change .. that you are no longer allowed privacy ... that it becomes a privilege not a right ...

Clarification ...

Unfortunately, every time I've ever had blogs, I've had to post a blog like this every few months or so ... I guess it's just the way the cookie crumbles ... it speaks to the paranoia and the narcissism in the world as well, but here goes ...

My blogs are very rarely completely personal, very rarely about a situation that I am in ... some person I play WoW with might say "hey my brother's wife's mother is going through such and such" ... and it will inspire a blog ... sometimes comments made by others to me, in their blogs ... on Facebook ... will inspire me to write certain things ... and even if the inspiration and some of my personal experiences are still part of the story that I write ... no blog is directed at any one person, or even group of people ... I have had a lot of experiences in my 32 years on this planet, plus being a social creature, I know of the experiences of many, many other people ...

I am sorry, if anyone, ever, thinks that my blogs are written for them, directed to them, or even about them ... because they're not ... they are my thoughts ... sometimes the subject matter is inspired by recent events ... but if I find inspiration in that, it means that it is not the first time I have seen or been through the same kind of situation.

So, please take them for what they're worth ... and anyone that knows me, knows I'm usually up for healthy debate, if you disagree with me as well .. some of what I write are things that I am questioning in life, in people ... things I'm not 100% sure about ... thoughts & opinions are welcome ...

Isolated ...

So, I feel kind of isolated right now ... I have all these little things that I want to talk to someone about ... none of them are worth picking up a phone and calling a friend I haven't really talked to in months about ... they'd be irrelevant little things to blog about, plus some are personal to the point I wouldn't blog about them ... I can't talk to my kids about them ... and it's hard to talk to my mom about anything lately because I don't know how she'll react ... my boyfriend (who has been my main source of any and all communication for a very long time) is basically out of touch ... we can't talk privately ever at this point ... so that just leaves me feeling kind of isolated ... thoughts stuck in my head with nowhere to go ... emotions that need released with no healthy mechanism of releasing them ... it just is very, very hard to feel isolated ...

Words of a Friend "Butterflies, Unicorns and Magic" ... Archived from 03/16/2009 ...

So, I'm stealing the words of a friend and I know she won't mind ;) I read this blog weeks ago and it has stuck with me to the point that I wish to share . . . . you can find her entire blog at http://www.perilouslyprecocious.com . . . this particular blog describes very, very closely how I've felt lately - I don't know that I could say it any better myself . . .


"I want to feel ecstatically happy every day.  I know this is possible, because I’ve done it.
I want everything to be magical; filled with unicorns, butterflies, and day dreams…
I want to be excited and find awe in my surroundings, instead of feeling numb and tired.
I know most of this is of my own doing, but I feel like I need to
have more social time… to be surrounded with people who experience this
in their every moment.  Calling all you angels…
I feel depressed, honestly.   Blue.   Sad.  I have lost connection with my inner magic.
Checking the calendar, I can see I’m in the middle of my semester.
It’s not unusual for me to be exhausted by the middle of the semester…
but this semester is easy.  I’m not stressed out over school.  I’m half
way through my second to the last semester before I earn my degree.  I
am motivated in the school department.
It’s also the end of winter… winter has always been a harder time
for me.  I need to be active, out playing in the sunshine, dawdling
amongst my growing things.   I need to be getting dirty, playing sports
and running around.  I need
to be out sleeping under the stars, dancing around a campfire, looking
at things through my binoculars.   I need to be more aware of the cycle
of the moon, and how that affects my own physical makeup…
I need to be taking candle-lit bubble baths.
Maybe it’s all this responsibility: work, school, parenting…
Maybe it’s the mundane…  I don’t see time for socializing in my
future.  Hell, I don’t see many people that I can surround myself with
that will embrace JOY with me.  I need this.  I need closeness with
friends.  I need silly text messages that make me laugh at
inappropriate times.  I need adventure and laughing out loud, every
day.   I need to feel confident and beautiful and amazing.
All of those feelings, they have so often been associated with how I
feel when I’m around my friends.  Honestly, I haven’t had time to be a
friend… It’s of my own doing, and I see this, but still, I’m not sure
how to fix it.
I need to see the beauty in sunsets again.
To be hugged more.  To affirm good things for myself more.  To feel unstoppable again.
I want to be catapulted across the universe like a great big ball of fire, blazing like a beacon for everyone to see.
I have grown in so many ways over the last several years.  I’ve
grown up, into a parent, into someone who can be a good example.  Into
someone who is comfortable being herself.  I want to share this.  I
want to shout out to the world, “SEE!  You CAN feel amazing like me.”
I’ve been making mistakes at work lately.   I am human, I realize
that.  But I think I’m a little burned out with work.  I’m not excited
to spend more than two hours every day commuting to a job where I sit
in a cubicle all day long, where the only human contact I get is with a
telephone.  I know I’m in the right place, I just…
Honestly, I haven’t even been taking much joy in writing, lately.
*sigh*
Butterflies, unicorns and magic.

Butterflies, unicorns and magic.

Butterflies, unicorns and magic."


************************************************************

In addition to her words . . . I need the feeling of a loving touch, the feeling of being wanted . . . I need fingers in my hair, my hand to be held . . . I need to know that no matter how I look on any given day, someone always thinks I'm pretty . . . I need stability and security . . . to know that there is excitement to see me, happiness to hear from me . . . that I'm missed and appreciated . . . I think these are all things I take for granted when I have them, but when they're gone are missed so much . . . these are things I must come to terms with . . . or somehow find on my own . . . I need magic . . .

Relationships That End Relationships ...

I have seen too much of this lately, but why is it that when some people enter into committed relationships or marriages even, that other relationships are lost?

I understand the leave & cleave belief ... in fact I believe in it ... but leave does not mean abandon. Not to me anyway.

I have seen 15 year friendships thrown away ... hobbies stopped ... careers changed ... and for what? Because the person you have decided is the love of your life doesn't understand them, or think they're appropriate?

I have friends that have proven loyalty through several relationships ... why would I let them go for the sake of a new man entering my life? Why would I let go of something that I enjoy for the sake of a new man, even the absolute love of my life?

Not that we don't make compromises and sacrifices for those we love ... because we do ... we cut back ... we change things to accommodate, to include ... we ask them to be part of our hobbies ... to hang out with our friends ... that is the nature of a relationship ... to learn to embrace things in another person ...

There are obviously exceptions ... abuse (substance, physical, etc) ... friends of those we love can be real jerks sometimes ... but sometimes we have to realize that they've been a part of our loved one's life much longer than we have ... and learn to embrace them and their quirks as well ...

It's hard enough to deal with losing friendships & relatives when we break up or divorce people .. it's even harder to lose them because they enter a relationship ...