So, I had been keeping a private blog and I went to delete it so I could publish it under a new account where it could be published, but anonymous .. and accidentally deleted this blog ...
So ... I just spent two hours re-posting my blogs by using google reader ... it isn't completely right ... some links and videos and pictures aren't there or aren't working ... my pages (about me, muses, etc., ) are all missing ...
I will work on getting it up and running again soon, but for right now at least the blog itself is back up and running ...
Grrrrr ....
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Another Black Sheep Day ...
It was my daughter's 8th birthday party on Sunday ... we had a party, that was mostly for the kids ... my ex and I worked together to throw the party ... at first my daughter said the only adults she wanted there were myself, her dad and our significant others (sidebar ... I was impressed that my mom was gracious enough to allow me the gas to drive and pick up my boyfriend to go to my daughter's party, that she absolutely insisted he needed to be at) ... but my mother was an addition, followed by my father and my stepmother ... I think that my daughter (well, that daughter) ... doesn't like the stress that certain people add to our lives either ...
Anyway, we got to the pizza place and I had forgotten my camera, so my boyfriend and I ran back to the house to get it, when we left, my ex and my mom were the only adults there ... when I came back my father and my stepmother were there ... now I wrapped myself up in the kids and doing all the normal party stuff I've done at my kids' parties for the last 10 years ... keeping the kids in line ... making sure everyone was okay ... but with the adults ... I felt like a black sheep ... as my mom, my stepmom, my dad and my ex all sat at one end of the table whispering and conversating and basically ignoring the rest of the party ... my boyfriend and I kept the kids entertained and kept things going ... and they sat down there all bonding together ... I must be an awful person ... I must have done something truly awful in my life, in a former life, in whatever life you all
believe in ... to have all these people that hurt me deeply so easily bond together ... none of them standing on "my side" (for lack of a better way to put it) ... none of them showing solidarity with me ... if I had to say any of them did that at all I would say my ex did ... but apparently my mom has lost all her negative feelings for my stepmom ... and doesn't care anymore about my dad's role in my staying in his house .. nope ... they're all buddy buddy ... and they all pretty much just ignored the kids the entire time ... involved in conversations about how spoiled my kids are ... (hmmm well I have no money so who the hell spoils them? ... maybe their grandparents) ... and my mom and my stepmom involved in conversations about the annoying nuances of my father ... I mean really ...
I felt like a black sheep at my daughter's birthday party and like I was being judged the entire time ... it was like taking all the most toxic people in my life and putting them in one room and leaving me with a a gaggle of little girls and my boyfriend (who also was ignored and not talked to by any of them except my ex) ... as my support structure ... this whole thing has been so toxic ... and taught me that family means nothing ... not one single biological relative has stood up for me for anything ... I'm over family ... I will stand by my children and my boyfriend ... because they stand by me ... the rest of them can go screw themselves ...
Anyway, we got to the pizza place and I had forgotten my camera, so my boyfriend and I ran back to the house to get it, when we left, my ex and my mom were the only adults there ... when I came back my father and my stepmother were there ... now I wrapped myself up in the kids and doing all the normal party stuff I've done at my kids' parties for the last 10 years ... keeping the kids in line ... making sure everyone was okay ... but with the adults ... I felt like a black sheep ... as my mom, my stepmom, my dad and my ex all sat at one end of the table whispering and conversating and basically ignoring the rest of the party ... my boyfriend and I kept the kids entertained and kept things going ... and they sat down there all bonding together ... I must be an awful person ... I must have done something truly awful in my life, in a former life, in whatever life you all
believe in ... to have all these people that hurt me deeply so easily bond together ... none of them standing on "my side" (for lack of a better way to put it) ... none of them showing solidarity with me ... if I had to say any of them did that at all I would say my ex did ... but apparently my mom has lost all her negative feelings for my stepmom ... and doesn't care anymore about my dad's role in my staying in his house .. nope ... they're all buddy buddy ... and they all pretty much just ignored the kids the entire time ... involved in conversations about how spoiled my kids are ... (hmmm well I have no money so who the hell spoils them? ... maybe their grandparents) ... and my mom and my stepmom involved in conversations about the annoying nuances of my father ... I mean really ...
I felt like a black sheep at my daughter's birthday party and like I was being judged the entire time ... it was like taking all the most toxic people in my life and putting them in one room and leaving me with a a gaggle of little girls and my boyfriend (who also was ignored and not talked to by any of them except my ex) ... as my support structure ... this whole thing has been so toxic ... and taught me that family means nothing ... not one single biological relative has stood up for me for anything ... I'm over family ... I will stand by my children and my boyfriend ... because they stand by me ... the rest of them can go screw themselves ...
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Mixed Bag ...
Unfortunately (or fortunately) this isn't an uncommon scenario around here, but on Friday my ex husband asked me if I would be willing to take the kids back 7 hours early this weekend ... because he had some place to be Sunday night and wanted to beat the snow ...
I'm usually agreeable to these schedule changes, because I figure some day I may need a favor and if I'm not agreeable or somehow bitchy about it then he may not be very willing to help me out when I need help ...
However, when I had full custody and he only had them every other weekend he would do things like this as well .. now that we have straight 50/50 custody he still does and, according to my children, leaves them with their grandmother quite a bit when he does have them ...
I am all for parents having a life of their own ... I have seen what it does to parents who completely revolve their lives around their children ... I think date nights and girls nights and boys nights and all these things are important to the psychological and mental health of entire families, not just the people participating ... it isn't a good lesson to teach our children that they
have to give up their lives when they have children of their own, that they can no longer do things they enjoy, or get together with friends, etc., ... in fact it's important to teach them the opposite ... so I am not opposed to him making plans or having a life ...
However ... at some point in time (I know because I've been there), if not already, my kids will start to get the feeling (especially when he only has them for less than 48 hours anyway) that these "other" things are more important than them ... I was a teenager when my parents divorced, so not quite as impressionable, but I was fine with them having a life of their own, however, when it felt like they (mostly my dad) made someone or something else a drastic and obvious priority over me ... it caused issues that still exist in our relationship today ... I fear for my kids, that his constant "can I pick them up late," "can I drop them off early," "can I just not take them this weekend at all" .... will impact their trust in him and their relationship with him down the line ...
I could be wrong ... it could not even phase them ... but wherever it is he had to be tonight, was (to him) worth sacrificing 7 waking hours with his children ... maybe it's worth it, maybe not ... but the real question is how do my kids feel about it ... I won't put those thoughts in their minds ... and two of them protest leaving me every time they leave anyway ... but I want them to have a good relationship with their father ... I really, really do ... and I feel like he is taking them down a road he doesn't realize he is taking them down ...
I'm usually agreeable to these schedule changes, because I figure some day I may need a favor and if I'm not agreeable or somehow bitchy about it then he may not be very willing to help me out when I need help ...
However, when I had full custody and he only had them every other weekend he would do things like this as well .. now that we have straight 50/50 custody he still does and, according to my children, leaves them with their grandmother quite a bit when he does have them ...
I am all for parents having a life of their own ... I have seen what it does to parents who completely revolve their lives around their children ... I think date nights and girls nights and boys nights and all these things are important to the psychological and mental health of entire families, not just the people participating ... it isn't a good lesson to teach our children that they
have to give up their lives when they have children of their own, that they can no longer do things they enjoy, or get together with friends, etc., ... in fact it's important to teach them the opposite ... so I am not opposed to him making plans or having a life ...
However ... at some point in time (I know because I've been there), if not already, my kids will start to get the feeling (especially when he only has them for less than 48 hours anyway) that these "other" things are more important than them ... I was a teenager when my parents divorced, so not quite as impressionable, but I was fine with them having a life of their own, however, when it felt like they (mostly my dad) made someone or something else a drastic and obvious priority over me ... it caused issues that still exist in our relationship today ... I fear for my kids, that his constant "can I pick them up late," "can I drop them off early," "can I just not take them this weekend at all" .... will impact their trust in him and their relationship with him down the line ...
I could be wrong ... it could not even phase them ... but wherever it is he had to be tonight, was (to him) worth sacrificing 7 waking hours with his children ... maybe it's worth it, maybe not ... but the real question is how do my kids feel about it ... I won't put those thoughts in their minds ... and two of them protest leaving me every time they leave anyway ... but I want them to have a good relationship with their father ... I really, really do ... and I feel like he is taking them down a road he doesn't realize he is taking them down ...
Friday, January 7, 2011
My Love/Hate Relationship with Zynga ...
So as a gamer that has gotten into everything from Tetris to Halo, Bejeweled to World of Warcraft ... and been known to play for hours on end ... I love the Zynga games ... it gives me something to do as the unemployed boredom sets in ... and you can play them all on different levels ... you can set it up so you have to be there checking on it every 20 minutes to half an hour or you can let it go for two or three days at a time ... or walk away completely for however long and come back and pick up where you left off .. mostly ...
Their games are simple, yet well thought out ... designed to be something you can just do for the hell of it, or be competitive about ... they give you a sense of accomplishment through ribbons, medals and prizes ... for the most part I do like these games ...
I hate that they make you spam your friends in order to accomplish almost anything ... I love that Facebook made it so the friends that really don't care at all can block the applications altogether ... I hate that in pretty much every Zynga application except Farmville the missions, medals, achievements, accomplishments, etc almost require you
to spend real money ... some of them flat out require you to spend real money ... some just make it easier if you do ... I hate that in Frontierville and Cafe World at least you are asked to play other games, less popular ones, in order to get pieces you need to create a needed piece ... like go play Treasure Isle to get your decorations for your Christmas tree in Cafe World ....
I almost wish that Zynga would set up their own social network ... where you know everyone on there wanted to play these games and you weren't annoying anyone with the required spam, etc .... but that won't happen ...
I guess the title sums it up ... I have a love/hate relationship with the games ... but they do help my boredom ...
Their games are simple, yet well thought out ... designed to be something you can just do for the hell of it, or be competitive about ... they give you a sense of accomplishment through ribbons, medals and prizes ... for the most part I do like these games ...
I hate that they make you spam your friends in order to accomplish almost anything ... I love that Facebook made it so the friends that really don't care at all can block the applications altogether ... I hate that in pretty much every Zynga application except Farmville the missions, medals, achievements, accomplishments, etc almost require you
to spend real money ... some of them flat out require you to spend real money ... some just make it easier if you do ... I hate that in Frontierville and Cafe World at least you are asked to play other games, less popular ones, in order to get pieces you need to create a needed piece ... like go play Treasure Isle to get your decorations for your Christmas tree in Cafe World ....
I almost wish that Zynga would set up their own social network ... where you know everyone on there wanted to play these games and you weren't annoying anyone with the required spam, etc .... but that won't happen ...
I guess the title sums it up ... I have a love/hate relationship with the games ... but they do help my boredom ...
Clingy ... Like Static ....
Okay, so I'm going to take a break from venting about my personal life to dive into the World of Warcraft (shocking I know) ... and some of the issues that have come up there over the last few years ... I urge those of you that don't play the silly little game to read this anyway ... because honestly, it applies to people in many areas of life, from work to school, to that one annoying neighbor ...
When Cataclysm was released on December 7 ... I dove right in ... tied for the first 85 in our guild (will explain guilds in a second as it is relevant) ... was having fun with new leveling areas, new races (they released a werewolf race with the Cataclysm expansion ... very exciting) ... and new end-game content .... but then .... like a cheese grater in my social heaven .... came the "annoying ones" ... I know I sound like a bitch ... and sorry for that ... I'm really not ... but when you use a game as an escape from reality ... that's exactly what you want it to be ...
So, I am part of a guild with over 300 characters ... among 100+ real life people ... so over one hundred living, breathing people are sitting behind their keyboards and play in this same guild/group as I do .... basically 10-15 million people are active World of Warcraft players around the world at any given time, they are then broken down into about three hundred "realms" or servers .... so on a server there are still tens if not hundreds of thousands of people ... guilds give you an
opportunity to group up with people with similar goals and interests and personalities ... to form a smaller group that allows you to have a group of people to ask for help when you need it and group up with for group quests and dungeons, etc., .... well recently ... there have been a couple, but really just one person ... in our guild ... that just won't leave me alone ... sends me private messages constantly ... asks me to do things constantly and when I say I'm busy or trying to achieve a goal of my own gets snarky ... like it's my job to entertain this person ... I've dealt with this before ... but it actually makes me not want to play ... more because I'm afraid of hurting their feelings or getting sucked into doing something I don't want to do than anything else ... in "real life" these issues have come up ... the clingy friend, the clingy co-worker, the neighbor that is constantly asking you what you're doing and wanting to include themselves in it ... I am a social being ... and I love people in general ... but sometimes they just are grating on my nerves ...
I think that because of everything else going on with me and wanting to escape into the fantasy land that is the world of Azeroth (the name of the actual world in world of warcraft) ... I find it more annoying than usual to deal with the static cling of people like that ... because I deal with enough crap outside of game ... I just don't want it there ... but I will deal ... I have characters on other servers ... and other such things as well ... but sometimes I just wish people would take a hint ...
When Cataclysm was released on December 7 ... I dove right in ... tied for the first 85 in our guild (will explain guilds in a second as it is relevant) ... was having fun with new leveling areas, new races (they released a werewolf race with the Cataclysm expansion ... very exciting) ... and new end-game content .... but then .... like a cheese grater in my social heaven .... came the "annoying ones" ... I know I sound like a bitch ... and sorry for that ... I'm really not ... but when you use a game as an escape from reality ... that's exactly what you want it to be ...
So, I am part of a guild with over 300 characters ... among 100+ real life people ... so over one hundred living, breathing people are sitting behind their keyboards and play in this same guild/group as I do .... basically 10-15 million people are active World of Warcraft players around the world at any given time, they are then broken down into about three hundred "realms" or servers .... so on a server there are still tens if not hundreds of thousands of people ... guilds give you an
opportunity to group up with people with similar goals and interests and personalities ... to form a smaller group that allows you to have a group of people to ask for help when you need it and group up with for group quests and dungeons, etc., .... well recently ... there have been a couple, but really just one person ... in our guild ... that just won't leave me alone ... sends me private messages constantly ... asks me to do things constantly and when I say I'm busy or trying to achieve a goal of my own gets snarky ... like it's my job to entertain this person ... I've dealt with this before ... but it actually makes me not want to play ... more because I'm afraid of hurting their feelings or getting sucked into doing something I don't want to do than anything else ... in "real life" these issues have come up ... the clingy friend, the clingy co-worker, the neighbor that is constantly asking you what you're doing and wanting to include themselves in it ... I am a social being ... and I love people in general ... but sometimes they just are grating on my nerves ...
I think that because of everything else going on with me and wanting to escape into the fantasy land that is the world of Azeroth (the name of the actual world in world of warcraft) ... I find it more annoying than usual to deal with the static cling of people like that ... because I deal with enough crap outside of game ... I just don't want it there ... but I will deal ... I have characters on other servers ... and other such things as well ... but sometimes I just wish people would take a hint ...
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Venting ... Venting ...
I shouldn't have to do this 38 minutes into Christmas Day ....
My mom overtook Santa ....
I only get to do it every other year as it is .... this is the last year that my oldest probably even remotely still believes ... and I go upstairs to do it and she did like half of it already .... because it was "late" ...
I say, "we didn't even get home when I was a kid until well after midnight"
She says, "well I was twenty years younger then"
I say, "well I'm twenty years younger now"
.... I didn't lash out ... made one comment when she said she was going to dump Santa's milk in the sink and I said I was going to drink it ... and otherwise I kept my mouth shut ...
But ... I am seriously pissed off ... I know she bought the stuff, I get it ... but my grandma almost always bought my Santa stuff ... and my parents actually got to play Santa ... and seriously ... every other year as it is ... one more freedom, one more thing she tried to take away from me and did pretty much end up ruining ... I couldn't do it my own way ... couldn't just do it myself ... or even with her help because we worked together or I was asking her to .... she just did it ... on her own ... and acted like it was nothing ...
This is a big deal to me ... the Santa thing only lasts so long as it is and I only get half that time already ... like I said ... vicariously parenting my children ... undermining my parenting and my control over them ... and the things around them ...
I feel violated and like another freedom and parenting right has been taken away from me ... and now in the morning we go back to smiling so my kids can enjoy their Christmas, but my flipping goodness ... can this shit stop already ...
My mom overtook Santa ....
I only get to do it every other year as it is .... this is the last year that my oldest probably even remotely still believes ... and I go upstairs to do it and she did like half of it already .... because it was "late" ...
I say, "we didn't even get home when I was a kid until well after midnight"
She says, "well I was twenty years younger then"
I say, "well I'm twenty years younger now"
.... I didn't lash out ... made one comment when she said she was going to dump Santa's milk in the sink and I said I was going to drink it ... and otherwise I kept my mouth shut ...
But ... I am seriously pissed off ... I know she bought the stuff, I get it ... but my grandma almost always bought my Santa stuff ... and my parents actually got to play Santa ... and seriously ... every other year as it is ... one more freedom, one more thing she tried to take away from me and did pretty much end up ruining ... I couldn't do it my own way ... couldn't just do it myself ... or even with her help because we worked together or I was asking her to .... she just did it ... on her own ... and acted like it was nothing ...
This is a big deal to me ... the Santa thing only lasts so long as it is and I only get half that time already ... like I said ... vicariously parenting my children ... undermining my parenting and my control over them ... and the things around them ...
I feel violated and like another freedom and parenting right has been taken away from me ... and now in the morning we go back to smiling so my kids can enjoy their Christmas, but my flipping goodness ... can this shit stop already ...
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Elation ..
Elation ... there is no other word I can use to describe how I feel about being able to see my honey tomorrow and every single day for the next week ...
My kids are super excited too ... it means more to me than any present I could ever get ... and no, my warden didn't change her plans or rules or whatever you want to call them, but we found an alternative at least for a while ...
So, I will have a week full of love and support from him ... and then the social events that we'll be attending will add to more of that ... Christmas, New Year's ... his birthday ... a week of celebration ... a week of love and support ...
Totally and completely ... elated :)
My kids are super excited too ... it means more to me than any present I could ever get ... and no, my warden didn't change her plans or rules or whatever you want to call them, but we found an alternative at least for a while ...
So, I will have a week full of love and support from him ... and then the social events that we'll be attending will add to more of that ... Christmas, New Year's ... his birthday ... a week of celebration ... a week of love and support ...
Totally and completely ... elated :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)