You Know What's Hard? ...

... changing shoe laces in your kids shoes, in a house with seven cats ...

... just sayin' ...

Compassion ... A Message For All ...

I was raised in a church where we were taught compassion ... where acceptance was taught as one of the main principles of scripture ... where empathy, love and compassion for our enemies, for those of different faiths, or no faith, different cultures, different political views were to be respected, as fellow members of the human race .. we were taught to show love and empathy by example ... and not force our views or scripture on to other people ... we were taught to examine other religions ... we were taught to do this in an academic and respectful manner ... in my confirmation classes we read pieces of the Torah, the Quran, the Aqdas, the
Book of Mormon, books on Wiccan and Pagan beliefs, we were taught about the missing and hidden books of the Bible ... and then we were taught different versions of the Bible ... the way things were worded differently depending on whether you picked up a King James, an NIV .... or one of the hundreds of other versions of the Bible that exist ... we studied the views of atheists ... the views of scientists ... we discussed whether or not we individually felt that science and scripture could coexist ... and we were not judged by our pastor or each other regardless of where we fell on that belief spectrum ... and finally when we finished the confirmation class, it was very clear that it was our choice whether we wanted to confirm our beliefs in that church, in that religion, in those teachings ... two of the sixteen chose not to ... and they were commended for their honesty and their ability to be upfront about how they felt ...

I was taught as a child, in a church that I miss and cannot find an equal to ... that we were to be examples of God's love, God's compassion .... God's empathy ... and in that we were to fight for all humanity to have respect, understanding and compassion .... the message that this organization is putting out there is exactly what I was raised to believe ....

I have compassion for all humanity, empathy for many situations, empathy for all ... I think discrimination of any form is completely uncalled for ... whether based on race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, occupation, age, economic status, marital status, familial status, disability, culture, weight, height, hairstyle, body art, or any other thing that people find wrong with each other ... we must see ourselves as one united human race ... before anything else ... and only then can this world, this country, this city, begin to exist in a manner of peace and equality ...

Labeling Our Children ...

I think there is a fine line between encouraging and nurturing the strengths of our children and labeling and pigeon-holing them into something, somewhere that is unfair to them ... so here is my confession/struggle ...

Hi, my name is Erica and I just came back from parent teacher conferences, and this is where I find it very hard to not "label" my children ... those of you that have read my muses page, know that I do it somewhat there as well ... so let me start out by saying that all three of my children are bright ... all three of them have areas they stand out in and areas they don't do so well in ... but ... here is where the issue lies ...

My oldest is "the creative one" ... she naturally draws better than I did when instructed by high school art teachers ... she is musically inclined, I have never heard her sing horribly off pitch ... not always perfect (and I'm a tough judge with three years of vocal music major fun stuff in college) .. but she is a decent singer ... she is interested in musical instruments and drama ... and writing .. which is about the only academic thing she is interested in ... she has already had plenty of F's and D's and I's and "needs improvement" and "below grade level" and other such negative comments on her report cards ... I fear her parent teacher conferences ... and
today ... was no different ... below grade level in two major subjects ... at grade level in the other major two ... problems with responsibility, problems with focus ... although she is a social butterfly ... she is, in my mind, and in the minds of many others ... an artist ...

Academics are not something she cares about ...and even I, the queen of the run-on sentences and the "..." in my blogging (which I know drives some of you nuts), ... am very, very OCD about formal and academic writing ... I was a straight A student (except the semester I had mono ... and that semester I got a D in PE ... and then the semester we thought I had thyroid cancer ... so sans three semesters ... I was a straight A student) ... I was a TAG kid (Talented and Gifted) ... I was in AP classes ... I was in sophomore math classes in the 8th grade ... this not caring about academics is something I don't understand ... but then again ... I am not my daughter ... she is an artist, she is creative ... she has talents that I do not possess, nor will I ever possess ...

Now on to the middle child, "the smart one" ... this is my child that I almost dread going to parent teacher conferences for, for the opposite reason ... praise up, praise down, not only is she amazingly academically inclined, with "above grade level," "exceeds expectations," etc., etc., etc., ..... she is a "role model student" ... I fear for her from the bullies that hate the smart kids who are good role models later in life ... because that was me .. and from about the fourth grade through the seventh grade I endured way  more than my fair share of bullying ... which is a blog for another time ... this is my child, that schools would fight for to have her be on their standardized tests ... the child I pick up from slumber parties and the parents can't stop praising how polite and wonderful she was ... this is the child that loves to read, loves to go to school to learn and yet still ends up being one of the most liked kids in the class ... this is ... the perfect child  ... from the school's point of view ... from her friends' parents points of view ... now she has her issues, when she is bad, she is by far the worst of my kids ... she negotiates everything ... "love and logic" says give your kids peas and carrots choices (so they feel like they have power, but the choice doesn't matter ... they're still eating vegetables) ... well this is my middle;

Me: "Would you like peas or carrots?"
Her:"How about corn?"
Me:"Well corn isn't an option, would you like peas or carrots?"
Her:"Well, I'll take carrots, but only if you promise we can have corn tomorrow"

Everything is a negotiation ... everything is a chance for her to see if she can push the limit, out smart, out think ... out do ... everyone ... school is competition ... and after every parent-teacher conference, after every report  card, I have to have a discussion with her about not bragging and making her sister feel bad ... but I am proud of her, outside of some of her issues at home (behavior, negotiating monster, etc.,) she is an angel ... and I understand her much better, because she is more like me ... like I was ...

But here's the thing ... by labeling, even in my own mind and the minds of others that know them and choose to label them ... "the creative one" and "the smart one" .... and before you all hate me ... I do not say these things to their faces ... by nurturing the creative side in one more, while understanding her downfalls ... and nurturing the academic side in the other while understanding her downfalls ... am I doing them a disservice ... my child, who is a bookworm, well, my mom and I bought her five books at the book fair, while my oldest got two ... a book about Justin Bieber and a fashion design book ... are we, am I pigeon-holing them? ... or am I recognizing their likes and dislikes .. their strengths and weaknesses, and not pushing them to be something they're not ... and trust me, my "creative one" ... gets plenty of academic help ... and my "smart one" ... gets plenty of access to creative outlets ... but by even allowing myself to think that way ... maybe I am somehow harming my children ... it's at least something to think about ....

In the Middle ...

This is actually something very hard for me to blog about ... I feel like I am standing naked in front of all of you that read this ... but I had to do it ... I had to share the truth about the past ... and my feelings about the present ... and right now ... I only have like eight people that read my blog on a regular basis anyway .... so maybe that helps?!?! ....


Throughout my marriage I had to deal with a lot of drama with my in-laws ... from the day they found out we were engaged, my sister-out-law was horrible, and my mother-out-law had her issues too ... they made my life, and to some extent my marriage a living hell ... always with their disapproval, always with the pessimism, avoidance, passive-aggressive behavior (like refusing to ever even take a beverage in my house ... none the
less eat anything) ... always pointing out everything wrong with me ... up to and including an "intervention" with my ex just before our first anniversary ... where they sat him down as a family to basically tell him how horrible I was ...

Here's a sidebar of sorts ...

Now ... I will admit that I am not perfect ... that I did things on rare occasion to antagonize ... but for the most part ... all I wanted was acceptance ... or at the very least ... to make life easier on my husband ... who wants that? ... Who wants the love of their life and their family to not get along? Who wants to constantly be told that they're married to the wrong person ... that they should have made a different choice? ... Yes, these were people that outside of him I just would have walked away from ... not cared what they thought and gone on with my life ... but there wasn't an outside of him ... this all hurt him ... it was hard on him ... and it was for his sake that I tried everything within my power to be the bigger person in the situation ... no matter what they said or did, I was always polite to them ... no matter how they hurt me in both aggressive and passive-aggressive ways ... I was always polite, always trying to cater to them ... always trying to make it easier on my ex-husband ... I was beyond civil ...

... sure he and I would have our conversations after the fact ... I would run things by him, because he knew them better than I did .... we would talk ... nicely ... to each other about the issues that were there ... but I tried with all the power I had to be the bigger person ... to be the adult in a situation where I was the youngest ... to be the one that didn't instigate or make anything harder or worse ...because this was the family of the man I loved ... the only family he had ... so I tried ... constantly overlooking things ... constantly smiling through things ... constantly asking God to keep His arm around my shoulder and His hand over my mouth ...

... end sidebar ...

So, back to this "intervention" .... he came home from this discussion with his family with a whole bunch of statements of how they were right ... mostly saying that I was a snob and looked down on them (the only thing I ever looked down on them for was their complete and total lack of compassion and empathy, and the way they treated their own family) ... but he had a laundry list of things I had done wrong .. things I should apologize for ... things that made his family hate me ... and I remember asking if he was serious and if they took responsibility for the horrible things they had done and said (from his sister telling me the morning after our wedding that she thought we shouldn't have gotten married, to completely disrespecting our home with criticism and a refusal to eat or drink in it) ... he told me they had their reasons ... at that point in time I was not in a good place ... my thyroid was way out of whack ... I had been searching for a job (I had one, but I needed a better one) ... and getting not much response ... I was having to borrow money from my family ... and basically it came down to I felt like I was nothing but a burden to anyone ... to my family .. certainly to his ... and to him ... well, he agreed with his family ... so ... I took an entire bottle of beta blockers (which slow the heart among other things) ... and called my sister-out-law and told her she wouldn't have to worry anymore about me because I'd be gone ... I threw the phone so hard against the wall when I hung up ... that I broke through the drywall completely ... I was by far at the lowest point I had ever been in my life ... then ... I realized what I had done and ran to the bathroom and tried to make myself throw up ... to no avail ... so an ambulance ride ... a whole lot of charcoal and 2 days in the ICU later ... I actually had saved my own life in multiple ways ... it turned out from blood work that I was in the middle of a thyroid storm ... for those of you that don't know what that is ... it can kill you ... and it presents itself as delirium and psychosis ... on top of physical symptoms that aren't very noticeable ... people in thyroid storm are often thought to be on hallucinogenics among other things ... but ... by taking all those beta blockers ... my endocrinologist believed I had saved my own life ... how is that for ironic .... and not only that I was in a hospital where they took my blood ... and they treated me for it ... but also ... I think that it made me realize who I lived for ... it wasn't for anyone else ... it was for me ... I wasn't here to make my family happy, or his family happy, or to make him happy ... I lived, I walk each day of my life for me ... I turned into a much calmer person .... and my ex ... well ... when his family showed up at the hospital he asked them to leave ... his sister stopped talking to him for more than three years after that night ... and his mom, well, she still talked to him, until another fight that happened between my ex and his brother drove her away ... and she didn't talk to him for about a year and a half ... I never understood the kind of people that could cut off their own family that way ... but that's just because I never really could ... I can avoid, but I can't cut off ...

... five months after that wonderful ICU stay ... I found out I was pregnant with my oldest ... and my life changed again ... I now did have someone else to live for ... someone else that I wanted to be happy (although as a parent it is far from my job to make sure they are happy) ... but through all of this I think I became a better person ... more capable of love, more capable of empathy, more capable of compassion ... and actually much more capable of being the bigger person ...

So, now fast forward to today ... I stand in the shoes of my ex-husband ... and to be honest it's even worse than being in my own shoes that many years ago ... when the person that you love, the person that is your world doesn't get along with your family ... it just about kills you ... every snide remark from either side, every comment, every moment of uncivil behavior ... is like twisting a knife that is dug so far in that it hurts all the time anyway .... so now ... I stand helpless ... not wanting to be in the middle ... not wanting to hear one more negative thing from any of them .... just wanting everyone to step up to a place of civility and realize that if they all want to be part of my life and care at all about me ... that they need to care about me enough to stop ... because I don't need anymore twists of the knife ... and the last thing I need in my life right now ... is more negativity ...

The Delivery ...

Sometimes it's the delivery ... not the message ...

If someone gives you the best news that you could have ever heard ... but in the wrong way ... or the worst news you have ever heard but in the right way ... it can change your reaction completely ...

When someone is angry all the time ... and everything they say ... even positive things ... come off with that angry overtone (or even undertone) ... the receiver of the message will probably not see things in the positive light that they may have if the delivery was upbeat and positive ...

Body language is extremely important in person, as is facial expression, followed by tone of voice ... over the phone ... tone of voice means more than the words you say ...

In writing ... now this poses an interesting thought process in the reader's mind ... what generally will happen is the reader will take what they know about the writer and put that tone of voice to the writing ... so if someone is always upbeat and happy ... they will read the message that way ... or vice versa ... if some one is always sad and depressing ... they will read the message that way ... angry ... same thing ...

The point of all this is ... that regardless of who you are ... or a million other factors that make us each individuals with our own thought processes and reactions ... that if the delivery does not match the message ... we will take what was in the delivery to mean more than the words in the message ... every time ...

For a great majority of people ... the delivery is everything ... you could sound like Charlie Brown's teacher and just say "wa wa wa ... wa wa ... wa wa wa wa, wa wa" .. but if it's done with the body language and/or tone of voice that means something ... we will get the message ... with no words ...

A long time ago I was taught something ... when I worked in a phone bank ... did you know that if you smile when you answer the phone ... or even when you're talking on one ... that your tone of voice automatically becomes less harsh ... even if the smile is forced ... the act of putting a smile on your face ... makes you sound less harsh, less upset, less sad, less angry, less (fill in negative emotion here) ... we all know a smile in person can make a person's day ... much like a hug ... but if you smile on the phone ... it can also ...

Mixed messages make for bad communication

When you deliver any message in life ... you have to remember that there is so much more to your message than what you say ... so much more ... so make sure that your delivery matches the message that you're trying to put out there ... because "I love you" in your angriest tone, with harsh body language ... does not mean I love you to most ... and "I hate you" with a big smile on your face and open, loving body language ... does not mean I hate you to most ... so just make sure that you put as much thought into your delivery as you do into your message ... it can save you a lot of misunderstandings and aggravation ...

Unrealistic Expectations ... Are Movies Ruining Relationships? ...

There was a study I heard about on the radio several years ago that touched on this ... and now here is another one that came out a few months ago ... with this news report of a study headed by Dr. Gabrielle Morrissey .. has brought it to headlines again ... and then anyone that has been familiar with MySpace or the bumper sticker bulletin boards has probably at some point seen a sticker or icon that resembled the one to the right ...this is actually something I have given a lot of thought to lately, although not in the terms that the studies imply, I have a little different take ... but it's related in many ways ...

So the studies say that our romantic comedies and chick flicks create unrealistic expectations for romantic grandeur and communication and even sex ... that we then have this idea of how a relationship should be based on the romance involved in movies such as Notting Hill, Runaway Bride, You've Got Mail, The Wedding Planner & While You Were Sleeping ... just to name a few that are listed in the news reports and studies ... and I will preface all of what I'm about to say that those listed above and the rest of the movies that I will list are among some of my
favorite movies and I appreciate a chick flick and romantic comedy as much as anyone else ... but now here is my take ...

These amazingly romantic movies ... the ones we watch and cry and sigh and wish that our lives, our
relationships could just be that terribly romantic ... almost all of them ... involve cheating on some level and the hero or heroine breaking somebody's heart ... so is that the message that these films send that hurts relationships ... the grass is greener idea ... the idea that someone can come along while you're in a relationship and sweep you off your feet and that will be your happily ever after .... so let's think about this for a minute ... let me start listing off some movies that involve a girl/woman leaving the boy/man currently in her life or flat out cheating on him or vice versa in order to pursue this incredibly romantic relationship we're all cheering for ... we'll start with one of the most watched chick flicks of all time ... it's all in the title;  An Affair to Remember  ... okay ... now let's move on ...  You've Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle, Runaway Bride, The Wedding Planner, Six Days Seven Nights, It Could Happen to You, A Lot Like Love, Dear John, Letters to Juliet, Bridget Jones' Diary, The Notebook, My Best Friend's Wedding, Titanic, Never Been Kissed, Leap Year  ... the list goes on ... but almost all those movies involve cheating on some level ... and those that don't involve a "grass is always greener" standpoint from the girl's point of view ... involve a guy leaving the girl he's with because he realizes that he loves the heroine more ... so really, are these movies sending a bad message? ... are they sending a message that the men in our lives can't live up to ... that we in our relationships can't live up to ... are we, as women, looking for drama ... the great obstacle to overcome? ... or is it about the fact that in a "new" relationship there are sparks and amazing attraction ... I mean ... we all know what it's like to get the chills when someone touches us ... but that doesn't last forever ... so is that what it's about ... the sparks? ...

I also agree about the romantic grandeur ... I mean what guy in normal life can make a life changing romantic speech in the middle of a press conference like in  in Notting Hill ... and how often does a guy have a chance to declare his love to a girl on a balcony in pure Romeo style like in Letters to Juliet ... or even set up a serenade like in movies like Top Gun  and  10 Things I Hate About You ... I mean realistically ... are these things that should even go into our storage banks to think are a possibility in real life relationships? ...

I think the study makes valid points ... and I think that as women, and even men, we need to take the "messages" these movies send with a grain of salt ... yes we all want romance, we all want our happily ever after ... but I think we need to realize that expectations need to be realistic ... and there is an inherent difference between men and women and how they view relationships and romance ...

Edit: ... I found this link The Five Ways Romantic Movies Ruin Your Love Life after I published this ... but just more food for thought .. 

The Schoolyard ... Archived From 05/05/2008 ...

I'll start with the question . . . why does anyone purposely make someone else feel insecure? Why would you purposely answer questions in a manner that you know is not what the person doing the asking wants to hear regardless of what your honest answer would be?  . . . and yes I'm talking to the guys about talking to girls . . . I'd give examples, but individual examples couldn't grasp the bigger picture . . . it's a purposeful intentional thing to not tell somebody what they want to hear . . .

. . . does it all just go back to the elementary school playground where somehow the boys thought that chasing you around the playground and pushing you down  . . . actually hurting you . . . that somehow skinned knees and bruised elbows would make them appear more endearing to you . . . somehow said they cared? Well . . . back then it didn't make most girls think they were liked . . . in fact the total opposite . . . and now that we're all older, and it turns psychological, it really doesn't make a girl feel all warm and fuzzy . . . just like as an adult being
poked in the ribs and shoved off sidewalks and stuff still has to be balanced out with tenderness . . . skinned knees and bruised elbows are not a sign of affection . . . no matter how much our male counter-parts seem to think they are . . .

 . . . . I can't imagine being single in today's world . . . what I've watched my single friends go through (both girls and guys) . . . but everyone has been burned so much, guards are so heightened, that everyone is afraid to say how they really feel about anybody, about anything . . . I think girls in general tend to be more insecure than guys, more in need of reassurance, more in danger of being knocked down to the point that they don't think they can ever be worth anything to anyone, and just shut down and stop trying . . . girls need to know that they're more than just sex (but still wanted), need to know they're beautiful (or at least that someone thinks they are), need to feel that it's okay to be vulnerable to let her guards down, to find someone she can cry in front of, someone that's willing to let their guards down, to cry in front of her, to know that someone wants to spend time with you as much as possible, every waking minute in some cases, that actually would sit around and wait for hours for just a few minutes of attention, girls need guys in their lives that are willing to just cuddle sometimes, and to use their words for reassurances and tender words that show they care (not that playful isn't okay, because it is, but not to the point that you're knocking someone down), a girl needs someone who believes in her, who believes in her dreams, who gives her wings when she wants to fly, and yes, we do still appreciate a guy who can open a car door, a guy who can give you his jacket when you're cold . . . we, the girls, do not need skinned knees and bruised elbows, that as an adult translates into nothing but insecurity, bad feelings and broken hearts . . .

The Quiet ...

So, I haven't been blogging much, well at all really ... and there's a reason for that ... things are very hard right now ... and honestly I'm afraid of oversharing ... of saying things in public that I just shouldn't say ... there is a lot of strain and a lot of stress both within me and around me ...

... and then there's these mixed emotions of wanting solitude and feeling isolated ... and I miss so much ... I miss my independence ... I miss my closest friend and lover (long distance relationships are not remotely easy, especially when communication is cut off almost completely) ... I have all these stupid little things to talk about ... and in a perfect example from my grand mother ... if I'm going to tell you a story about my cat I don't want to have to explain to you that I have a cat first ... I just need someone to tell all those little stupid stories to, the ones that only those that know all the back story will understand ... I also miss hearing those stupid little stories ... I
mean to some it might sound strange ... but when you're basically used to knowing someone's every move, every thought ... and then you lose communication with them ... it's actually a very hard thing .... when you find out things that you didn't know ... that you just assumed you would .... so I miss hearing those stupid little details, and some of them not so stupid and not so little ... as much as I miss having someone around all the time to tell them too ...

... at the same time ... I've closed myself off ... I don't want to talk to anyone ... people in general kind of annoy me right now ... and maybe that's because I have all this crap locked up inside ...

... but I'm going to try to make a point of blogging more this week ... because it is therapeutic and helpful ... I just have to figure out how to do it without making it so personal ....